When someone “wrongs” me my knee jerk reaction is to become a victim. In my younger years I would call a friend and break down every part of the wrong doing. How this clearly wasn’t my fault. I would detail the clear character issues involved in the other person. How could they? Why would they? And maybe even 18 or so possible theories about the behavior that was happening “at” me.
The trouble with this is that gives away all of my power and really doesn’t feel good. There isn’t anywhere to go from “I am the victim here” except to feel badly. Even if I can justify through meticulous analyzation my own victimhood, I only “win” at being a victim.
I want to tell you it’s been years since I’ve displayed such behavior. But as recently as last week I found myself having that same knee jerk reaction to a difficult situation. What’s different is that now I recognize it quickly. What am I “winning” here? Do I really want to be a victim? No. Not at all. I sure don’t want to live in that space.
Sometimes it helps to get that initial reaction out. To say the things, write the email I won’t send, etc. But once I’ve had my moments of “being wronged” I now make the following choice: to choose to see the person and situation in the most loving way possible.
Sometimes it takes real creativity to find the most loving view. Usually that looks like a whopping dose of benefit of the doubt. Maybe that person is hurting. Maybe it’s not personal at all. Maybe I’m completely misunderstanding. I put on my rosiest glasses and choose love.
This is power. It gives me the chance to let my shoulders release and choose my response from love and not anger or fear.
Step two is addressing the issue. And a similar question comes into play: What is the most loving and honest response I can give? Depending on the what and the who, that might be silence. Maybe meditating on my own involvement. Perhaps just being patient. It might be an honest talk, not omitting difficult topics but addressing them in the most loving way that is true.
This isn’t always an easy route to take. But the alternative is disempowering. It’s choosing victimhood. It’s possibly moving to a negative space you don’t want to live in. It’s feeling stuck, put upon and without course of action.
I never regret choosing love. Regardless of the scenario, that is the position I want to make moves from. It’s not to do with what others’ behavior dictates but empowering myself with a home base I feel good operating in.
Cueing up these mantras can change my perspective quicker than anything. What is the most loving way I can choose to see this? And what is the most loving true response I have? Choose love. Deliberately, sometimes pain stakingly, but always love.
Hope there’s a nugget in there for you.